Dr Biodun Ogungbo MBBS, FRCS, FRCSEd, MSc
We have the budget for 2017 and believe it or not, the government has earmarked a whopping N500B for health. Come on! Isn’t that rather too much? What are we going to do with all that dosh? Nigerians certainly do not need that much money for health. Please spend it on something better, like newspapers in Aso Rock!
Secondly, the Government has recently advised Chief Medical Directors of Teaching hospitals to sack all resident doctors currently on strike. No problem. Someone please tell the President we have enough doctors for each person. Each Nigerian has about 10 different ‘doctors’ that advice and treat them.
Let me tell you about some of the best ‘Nigerian doctors’ currently in practice.
The Pastor
A patient died early last year. I certified him dead and got a second doctor to confirm death. However, the wife would not accept that her loved one had died, insisting that her pastor must come and save him. He simply cannot die like that, she said!
Okay, so the pastor came with his prayer entourage to see the patient. I called the pastor aside and asked him to please help support the wife as I had already certified the patient dead. The pastor said not to worry, that he was here now and the patient was not yet dead!
I was shocked to say the least. I mean the pastor actually looked like a human being! Anyway, I wished the pastor had been called earlier to pray away the brain tumour. It would have saved time, money and much effort for the family. You see, he was still dead after the pastor left!
Preying pastors
There are a growing number of such ‘prayerful’ pastors in Nigeria. There is even one saving lives by touching the breasts and private parts of women. Great job and just like a gynaecologist! Listen, we simply do not need a huge budget. Just 10% of the budget is enough to get ‘them’ saving lives all over the nation! Let us open more ‘miracle churches’ on each street.
The Neighbour
A patient came into hospital with severe burns on her back. Apparently, she had been suffering from back pains and her neighbour advised her to rub kerosene on the area. That it would help relieve the pain. She did and got serious burns instead and double the pain. Now, what do you do for such a neighbourly doctor? Buy his children Christmas shoes as a thank you! Or a trip to Dubai?
The Chemist
Pharmacists and chemists have taken on the role of doctors in Nigeria. There are many reports of pharmacists masquerading as doctors. They prescribe drugs and give injections behind dirty curtains. Some even carry out abortions! Someone should give them a medal!
Remember this comment, ‘I won’t go to the doctor today, I don’t feel well enough’. Instead pop into your local pharmacy and ask for the exact drug you need. Who needs to waste money on consultation? In these days of austerity, it is simply cheaper to forgo consultation in a real hospital.
A cousin was suffering from abdominal pains and diarrhoea. He then went to the local chemist for assistance. The girl on the counter decided to sell him an oral rehydration solution. Apparently, diarrhoea can be cured by a bottle of beer!
The family member
I once had a man with a stroke. We were managing him and controlling his blood pressure and diabetes before his brother came and forcefully removed him to be treated in India. Of course, there was money involved and his brother wanted a share. Now, they would never tell you openly unless you get into bed with them: sharing percentages of the treatment cost! Anyway, he died in transit at Addis Ababa and I heard that his funeral was a splendid affair.
Of course, you remember the advice during the Ebola epidemic in Nigeria. Some fool decided that having a bath with and drinking salty water would prevent infection with the dreaded virus. This stupid advice went viral in Nigeria and many people participated. Family members were calling each other to pass on the ‘good news’. Mothers were forcing their spouses and children to drink hot salty water. Perhaps that’s what saved Nigerians from dying in huge numbers, who knows?
The Indian agent
Indian hospitals now have agents in Nigeria soliciting for patients to go to India for medical tourism. As far as they are concerned, nothing can be treated here in Nigeria and Indian specialists are the business. So what if they send you on a wild goose chase so they can collect 20% kickback. And if you happen to be maimed or die in India, they would attend your funeral bemoaning the fact you didn’t pay enough money to be treated properly!
Indian hospitals are not and will never be better than being treated by people who actually care for your health. Many Indian hospitals are business enterprises, only interested in fleecing you dry. And if you need follow-up care for a chronic disease or cancer, you probably cannot afford to go back! So, see below!
The herbalist
If you discuss your health problem in the market place, inside the taxi and on the streets of Lagos, you will get a firm referral to the herbalist near you. Many also practice in Aba and Onitsha. There is one in an Islamic hospital in the North who specialises in Chronic Spiritual diseases. This means abdominal swelling and anything causing you to lose weight!
Market women in Ibadan, are especially fond of sending you to the herbalist for treatment. Fortunately, we have enough greenery and herbalists to go round everybody. These herbalists have big sign boards saying they can cure ‘stafilokokus, tifoid, malaria, infeshun and infatilit’. Traditional bone setters and the Mallam extracting cataracts with a chisel are in the same league. In fact, there is nothing ‘Baba’ cannot cure. Breast cancer and fibroid are his specialty. Anything to enable him get his hands on a woman’s sensitive bits!
Finally, please do tell Baba he does not need to go to the UK anymore, we have plenty of doctors in Nigeria. N500B for health? Come on! It’s way too much!